


I Still Want It All...

by LadyMorgaine76



Series: Breathe My Love... [3]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Established Relationship, Honesty, Introspection, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21554611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMorgaine76/pseuds/LadyMorgaine76
Summary: Baz reflects. Penny is a good friend and she knows sometimes she just needs to be there.Simon is not happy with not being authorized to fight alongside his boyfriend.The boys improve their communication skills like the grown ups they are now!Aaaaaand enter my Sword Theory ™Have fun!
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Breathe My Love... [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542856
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	I Still Want It All...

**Author's Note:**

> AO3 tags don't work and my laptop is currently to be fixed...  
> That's why my current tags suck...

**Baz**

I had a message from my stepmother waiting for me on my phone this morning.

Daphne is like that.

My father and I are a bit… well, I don't know where we stand at the moment.

I told him a lot. Maybe too much.

Too many years of frustration bottled up inside of me. Over the fact we pretended I wasn't a vampire when I needed any information about my condition desperately. (I still know close to none about it. I know I can control my fangs and that apparently we can take blood without killing or turning anything or anyone.) (I'd never bite a person anyway.) (Simon's been asking about _that_! I try not to think about my boyfriend having a possible bite kink…) 

We also argued about pitting me against Simon on their goddamn war. My father reminded me I offered myself to keep tabs on Simon. 

I didn't like to hear that. (He was right on that account. Not that I admitted that to his face.)

We're on unknown terrain now, but he's still my father. He's not bad. I know that. He's just broken.

So, Daphne worries. She loves us deeply, I know that.

I guess I just didn't expect that worry to extend to my relationship with Simon, but apparently it does.

She wanted to know how we were. If I was alright. If we both were.

I replied her that I believed we were finally on the right path. That we finally began talking. Communicating.

_"You're still so young, Basil. The feelings are too raw and you've been through too much in so little time. Be patient. Don't give up on him. Don't give up on you. Call me if you need to talk."_

So young…

Was that the answer to the way we've been orbiting around each other, afraid of doing something wrong, saying something wrong?

Are we too young? Do we want too much, too fast, too soon?

Is that what I did that pushed Simon away from me?

Did I demand too much?

I'm not saying that was the root of all our problems post Waterford, but being young and in the throws of first love might have helped enhance all of the negative aspects of what was happening between Simon and I.

There's this pervasive idea that when the fires of passion burn out and monotony starts to settle in, that means you're falling out of love. (or in our case, that the other one was falling out of love.)

And that's… Just not true, is it? 

I don't know what we expected.

That it would always be this feeling of awe? Of being swept away with each other? Were we so enthralled with each other that we forgot true love takes work? Learning? That's it needs to be cherished and nourished every day, not taken for granted?

Have I taken Simon for granted?

Or just that my feelings and their intensity would be enough to get us through everything?

Well, I'm not making that mistake again am I?

Penny stares at me for the other side of the table and we know each other already well enough that I know what she means with that slight head tilt and small pout.

_"Are you going to start overthinking everything again?"_

That's her unspoken question.

"I'm fine, Penny…" I smile at her.

That nice little thing where you get used to call the ones you love by their first name? I extend it to Penny…

(I love her as much as if we were blood related.) (I don't even pretend I don't anymore!) (She's family on my book!)

"Good." 

I raise my eyebrow at her. That was an awfully tame answer…!

"Just 'good'?" I snort.

"Yes. Just 'good' for now." She shrugs. I roll my eyes. It's such a Simon thing to do when you don't want to or don't have an answer. (Or when you don't want to think. Simon used to have a list of things he'd didn't want to think about.) (I remember being so scared I was on that list…)

I see Simon walking towards us growling. He'd stayed behind at the request of Headmistress Bunce for reasons yet unknown to me. Whatever that private chat was about, it made his mood worse.

This was usually the time when I started to quietly spiral inside the recesses of my own mind, because for a long time I was lost as to how to comfort Simon.

I was always afraid I'd be too much or not enough…

I put down the book and just look at him. A small smile. A simple " _I'm here"_ that goes unspoken. 

He sits by my side and I wait. 

  
  


**Simon**

There's something extremely calming about the way Baz and I handle each other now.

There's no sense of losing control on my part. (It was always senseless, if I'm fair about it. I always feared what wasn't there. Baz would never try to control me like that. He'd never use me.) 

He waits.

But it's not withdrawing like before. Instead it feels like open arms waiting for me to take the first step.

It feels wonderful.

It feels liberating!

I sit by his side, leaning on him. I ignore Penny's snort, letting out instead a frustrated sigh as I peer at Baz.

He frowns at me.

"I take it the conversation wasn't satisfactory…" Baz slides his hand on mine, giving a light squeeze.

"Headmistress Bunce doesn't want me out on the fight…" I grumble. I hate to be put aside, like I'm more of a nuisance than anything.

Penny looks at me sympathetically. It's the one thing I don't want, but I know it's what she can offer now.

"She's worried, Simon." She says.

"I know." And I do. I really do. Neither Penny nor Baz say the reason Headmistress Bunce doesn't want me out there. It remains unsaid.

I have no magic…

Martin Bunce and the team he put up to study and register the behaviour and changes of the holes the Humdrum created, (Well, me basically… I ultimately caused it.) (I'm aware it's not _my fault_ , but it still came from me.) said that the smaller, older ones were showing signs of closing. 

The first one on Pendle Hill was less than half the size!

But none of that meant my magic would ever come back.

Sometimes it felt like most of it wasn't mine…

"Simon…" Baz whispers, but I don't let him finish. I want to talk to him, but not here. I shake my head and begin to get up. My hand remains tightly grasped to his.

"Let's go outside." I tell him. I turn to Penny but she's already smiling at me.

"Go on, both of you." She puts on a mock annoyed face. " I can't focus on my reading with both of you making soft eyes at each other… shoo…"

**Penny**

I know my mother is thinking about Simon's best interest,but I don't believe she's taking in consideration his sheer stubbornness the way that standing on the sidelines won't help Simon's emotional recovery at all!

He was the Chosen One.

The Mage's personal weapon (I should have known… I should have seen the signs.)

He saw himself as the first line of defense. The one who was supposed to sacrifice himself, if needed.

He sacrificed his magic.

For all of us.

It's not fair.

He should not be shuned aside like that. He has the right to choose whether to fight or not. Even without his magic.

I'll talk to her. She might be the Headmistress, but she's still my mum.

**Baz**

Simon holds my hand tight. He's lost in thought and I don't say a word, simply letting him guide me towards the direction of the Great Lawn.

I do that a lot lately.

I follow.

I wait.

I let him take the first steps. 

I still don't know exactly what I did that made him push me away in the first place, but Simon seems comfortable with this new approach.

I don't push or pull. I offer my hand and let him decide to take it or not.

He hasn't let go nor refused my hand since last night on the ramparts, so I'll take that as a good reason to feel happy today!

He turns towards the football pitch and I raise my eyebrow at him.

"No one's there, Baz…" He gives me a side eye. "No one's in the mood for football, I guess…" 

"I miss that, actually." I admit to him. And I do. Football is on the list of things I love, along with my violin, my family, Penny (in no particular order) and Simon (on a permanent first place).

"I liked watching you play." Simon tells me. 

I give him my best smug smile.

"And when you say you _liked_ to watch me play-"

"Oh, shut up!" But there's no real bite to it and Simon faces me, grabbing me by the neck and pulling me into a kiss.

Merlin and Morgana, I missed this!

This is us in the beginning!

This is what I thought we would always have.

This is what I've so desperately been trying to get back!

"Hmmm…" I pull him closer and I know I have a wide smile on my face. I'm never hiding that from Simon again. "That still does nothing to convince me you actually only came to my games just to keep watch in case I was... you know... _plotting_!"

"You're impossible, you know that?" Simon laughs.

I would go out there and fight every single creature on my one, if that would give Simon more reasons to smile and laugh like that!

But we're here because he wants to talk to me, not for me to swoon almost at Simon's beck and call.

(I still do.)

"As much as I like any excuse to be kissed by my boyfriend, you brought me out here to talk about something you didn't want to discuss in front of Penny."

**Simon**

First.

I don't know what happened that made Baz finally start calling me and Penny by our first names, but I'm most definitely not complaining…

Second.

He's probably going to be a bit mad at me.

I don't care.

I can handle this.

"I need a sword."

**Baz**

What?

He's mad!

"Fuck no!" 

He doesn't flinch. "Baz! I'm not going to stand on the sidelines while you go out to fight!"

I should have seen this coming!

Stubborn!

My hero complex filled boyfriend is going to be the death of me…

"Oh, yes you will! Are you planning to go fight dark creatures without your magic and only a sword on your hand?"

"I bloody well will!" He stands his ground. He's ready to fight me on this. Magic or no magic Simon is still the same unstoppable force I fell in love with!

"Siegfried and fucking Roy, Simon…" I growl.

"I didn't need magic to fight the vampires on the desert!"

No he didn't.

But he also almost didn't survive that fight.

I remind him. "You also got shot! I almost lost you!" The pain and despair of that moment flood my mind. "I… I can't… You don't know…"

**Simon**

_Oh…_

It's not lack of trust in me, I see now.

Baz is scared of losing me!

We still haven't talked about what happened either in Vegas or in that damned desert, but it's obvious it's still weighing on him.

"Baz…" I take his hands on mine and pull them onto my chest entwining our fingers. My eyes never leave his.

He lets out a deep sigh.

"Simon, please…" Baz looks at me with pleading eyes. "There has to be another way you can help. That you can fight. But not in the thick of it, where they can hurt you. I don't want to lose you…" 

I reach him to press my forehead on his. "You won't!" I tell him.

"But I almost did already." I feel his body start to relax, like he's weary. He's never one to go down without a fight, but maybe he's tired of fighting me all the way. I have made him fight tooth and nail these last months, haven't I? "I saw you on the ground, not moving… I saw you like that twice already." He lifts his head and his eyes wander towards the general direction I know the White Chapel is. His gaze hardens slightly, before turning back to me. He softens again as he continues. "I've felt my heart plunge and the fear run through me twice, love…"

"You can't protect me forever."

"I can try!" Baz leans into me again.

I like this closeness…

"You can," I nod. "Or you can find me a bloody good sword and trust me to fight alongside you!"

"Stubborn fool." He smirks.

"Perhaps. But apparently that's what you like!"

"Shut up!" Baz snorts.

"Make me!" I dare him.

And he does…

Sometimes, kissing Baz feels like fighting.

Some others, it feels like surrender.

Now, it feels like nothing else around us matters. It's just us, meeting halfway, again and again, finding a fixed point in each other's arms, in each other's lips. An axis around which the rest of the world turns. 

We're each other's core and we always gravitate towards one another!

**Fiona**

_"To the blood that forged you, return now and forever!"_

Oh, Natasha…

Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't father told me?

Was this some kind of secret only to be passed onto the firstborns?

But you couldn't have guessed that you would leave us so soon. That you wouldn't have the time nor the opportunity to share this knowledge with Baz…

The Sword of Mages belongs to us!

And your son is the one that can summon it back!

Not that Baz can actually fight with a sword… that boy couldn't be good at _everything_!

But the Snow kid… that's another thing entirely, isn't he Tasha? 

I think you'd like him. He's stubborn, as you were, and apparently he has the same uncanny love for sour cherry scones!

You two could have bonded over your common love for pastries and Baz!

Especially for Baz!

If there's any good reason to give back the sword to the boy's trust, that one will do for me…

It's time I go back to Watford and have a serious talk with Mitali Bunce, before I teach your son the summoning spell for the Sword of Mages!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
